Preparing for Breastfeeding: a Joke

As I approach delivery, I will be revisiting some tips and myths about the early days of nursing.  To kick off this big upcoming event (the birth of my second son after all this bed rest), I wanted to share a joke about preparing to breastfeed that was posted on a forum recently.

NOTE - it is NOT a good idea to try to toughen up your nipples before giving birth.  Nipple stimulation can cause contractions and start labor - you do not want to have your baby before he or she is done "baking!"  The only way to truly prepare for breastfeeding is to arm yourself with knowledge!

Oh - this joke is by no means meant to frighten anyone away from breastfeeding!

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How to Prepare for Nursing

"Forget the old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel". If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what you do.

Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2: At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.

Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty".

Day 4: Open your already crowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is 3inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it!"

Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with on hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive w/the big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through tht night." Play in an endless loop at 1a.m., 3a.m. and 5a.m.

Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building - and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12: Suckle a wolverine

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now ready to nurse a baby, maybe